2/3 of the way through
Nicole Lee August 4th, 2008
Happy birthday, Dad!
My father celebrated his 53rd birthday today, and while I’m sad that I didn’t get to spend it with him, I was able to talk to him for fifteen minutes before work.
It’s a complicated relationship my father and I share, and there is no way for me to define it so that anyone other than he or I could really understand. There are so many unspoken realities between the two of us that it’s amazing we have to speak at all sometimes.
For most of my life I worked as hard as I could to make him proud being his “little Roman princess”, and that was the only assurance I needed. Hearing him say the same thing when I got home from practice every night, “Did the coach say you were the best?” was something I grew so accustomed to that my evenings feel hollow without it. And every night I would say the same thing, “He can’t say I’m the best, Dad. They don’t do that kind of thing, you know?” But secretly I hoped that my coach would say I was the best, so I could come screaming through the door and when Dad asked I could say, “Yes! Dad, he did say I was the best!”
It didn’t happen.
But I tried.
And I worked hard at everything I did to make my dad proud.
And I still do.
I know that there were moments in my life where he was disappointed, and those are some of the worst memories I have. There were times where he was upset with the choices I’d made, and angry with how I was doing things. There were so many times that I know he wanted to scream, “NICOLE! JUST LISTEN TO ME! I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” but I was too young and too stubborn to listen to what he was really saying.
I’m growing up now, though, and trying to remember all of the things my dad taught me. I’m trying to lean on his experience and become the person he always wanted me to be.
And I want him to know that today, on his birthday, now that he is two thirds of the way through his days, that I love him as much now as I ever have. I respect him, and hope that with everything I do that I make him proud.
Happy birthday, Dad.
I love you, I miss you, and I hope that this is one of the best days you’ve ever had.
