Archive for the 'human nature' Category

Ugh

Nicole Lee August 23rd, 2008

Can I please be super, ultra great at something? Anything?

2/3 of the way through

Nicole Lee August 4th, 2008

Happy birthday, Dad!

My father celebrated his 53rd birthday today, and while I’m sad that I didn’t get to spend it with him, I was able to talk to him for fifteen minutes before work.

It’s a complicated relationship my father and I share, and there is no way for me to define it so that anyone other than he or I could really understand. There are so many unspoken realities between the two of us that it’s amazing we have to speak at all sometimes.

For most of my life I worked as hard as I could to make him proud being his “little Roman princess”, and that was the only assurance I needed. Hearing him say the same thing when I got home from practice every night, “Did the coach say you were the best?” was something I grew so accustomed to that my evenings feel hollow without it. And every night I would say the same thing, “He can’t say I’m the best, Dad. They don’t do that kind of thing, you know?” But secretly I hoped that my coach would say I was the best, so I could come screaming through the door and when Dad asked I could say, “Yes! Dad, he did say I was the best!”

It didn’t happen.
But I tried.
And I worked hard at everything I did to make my dad proud.
And I still do.

I know that there were moments in my life where he was disappointed, and those are some of the worst memories I have. There were times where he was upset with the choices I’d made, and angry with how I was doing things. There were so many times that I know he wanted to scream, “NICOLE! JUST LISTEN TO ME! I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” but I was too young and too stubborn to listen to what he was really saying.

I’m growing up now, though, and trying to remember all of the things my dad taught me. I’m trying to lean on his experience and become the person he always wanted me to be.

And I want him to know that today, on his birthday, now that he is two thirds of the way through his days, that I love him as much now as I ever have. I respect him, and hope that with everything I do that I make him proud.

Happy birthday, Dad.
I love you, I miss you, and I hope that this is one of the best days you’ve ever had.

Learning is never easy.

Nicole Lee July 15th, 2008

I’m learning new things about my camera every time I pick it up, which is fantastic, and I’ve been thinking about trying to get some of my new stuff looked at by professionals to get a few pointers.

But at the same time I’m starting to think that doing it on my own may be a better way to really hone my skills.

I mean, can you call yourself a photographer, if you are self taught?
A cook?
A dancer?
An actor?

I’m afraid of losing that edge that comes with not knowing all about something. I’m afraid of falling into the, “Well, if someone who knows more about it tells me it’s so, then it must be!” mentality. I think I’ll hold off for a while, and just take a little while longer “not knowing”, and we’ll see what comes from that.

What it should be

Nicole Lee April 21st, 2008

Sara and I went to the funeral today. I think that of all the events, and all the tears I shed, this was the easiest of them all. The news was hard to handle, the days following almost unbearable, and the viewing was just…more than I could take. But by the time we finished the funeral stuff I had made it to a point that was semi okay. Not to say that I feel good, but I am getting there.

I think that I know, at this point, knowing what I know about Brandon and his life, that he is in a better place. I remember that for my whole life I thought to myself, “Of all the people I have ever met, this is what a Christian is really supposed to be.” And I think that’s what he aimed for.

I am not done mourning by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that the world is a better place for having had him in it, even if it was for only a short time. And maybe, armed with this new feeling of motivation, I can help carry on his legacy through words and actions.

So thank-you, Brandon, for being an inspiration and a really cool guy. Though we’ve all said it a hundred times, you will be missed.

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